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| with the sheep on the Frantz's field |
This morning Christmas arrived in my attitude. I think it got lost in my excitement about our trip to California and I didn't want to think about it because it meant that our trip was coming to a close. But this morning as I heard Straight No Chaser sing "I'll Be Home For Christmas" as I drove down the 99, I got a lump in my throat thinking of the home my husband and I have made with our children. That song usually makes me cry with longing for California and the foggy Christmases of my childhood, but today it made me long for my husband and the home where I'm the Mom (that's who).
So this evening we decorated my parent's Christmas tree and admitted (finally), that we will have to leave this wonderful place, the home of my earliest memories, the home of my dear family; simultaneously welcoming Christmas. But those of us who are leaving have more to look forward to than those left here in California, because we get to keep the memories and take them back to Manitoba, to a home of our own, where (I just decided tonight) we are going to have a new (to us) tradition of filling stockings with fruit and nuts and candy canes. And where we will be welcomed home by a leapingly slobberingly grateful friend Linus, and the Dad-man we call our very own: Derek.
I don't think anyone can make you understand before you live it, this feeling of having your heart pulled in two directions. My home is in California, my home is in Manitoba, my family is in both places, and so is my desire, so are my thoughts. I hate to leave, I love to go, I fly gladly into the open arms awaiting me...in different directions. I cry to go, I laugh to arrive, I sigh ... wonder, where will my boys call home?
I struggle to be present in today, to enjoy where I am right now, instead of checking the weather for Winkler and Shafter and always thinking, "It's ten o'clock here, eight o'clock there". It's true what they say, "Home is where the heart is". But what about when your heart is in two places at once?
Seamus looks so happy! I can't speak to what you are feeling exactly. But I do live in a location that I hope to not be for forever. I don't know where my heart is, but it's certainly not here (at the moment at least). So I struggle to live in the moment and make this home. I find people...either family or friends (and in our case friends) make a big difference in how homey a location is. We are missing our friends greatly.
ReplyDeleteI can relate. Sigh....it's hard, but consider yourself blessed that in all the places where you can land, you can call TWO places home. Some never have that privilege of having more than one.
ReplyDeleteMadelyn has been asking for Luke on many different occations. She has taken up praying for Linus as well as Luke at night. So maybe your heart is where you are at the moment. The moment is important for our kids, but so much of the past effects our present. We all miss you. Safe travels, and hope to see you soon.
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