Seeing God

32 weeks

People talk about "I felt God was telling me", and "It was a God thing", and they speak about ways that God has blessed them.  I am really uncomfortable with language like this...Christian-ese, it can be called.  It falls into this category of pop-culture Christianity that I have little or no respect for.  The problem for me arises when I hear someone use these phrases and I automatically turn my ears off.  I too quickly give up on the conversation, the sermon, the person sharing their testimony and think, "This is one of those things I won't relate to".

Derek and I were talking about this the other evening.  I feel skeptical of the authenticity of any story that uses what seems to me too-easy language to talk about God, our relationship with him.  I feel like in my own life that relationship is much harder than, "It was a God thing".  I struggle to hear and see God.  But what I want to learn is to try to understand what people feel when they talk this way.  I want to learn to relate to people who use a different vocabulary than I do, even if it makes me uncomfortable.  I still don't always want to be associated with people who call themselves Christians.  But I need to be a better listener.  And, more importantly I think, I need to try to see the Holy Spirit working in the world in ways that I might not automatically assume He would (ie: God blessed me with finding cheap gas today.  God blessed me with a really good night's sleep).  I tend to think of God as more hands-off.   But if I believe Satan is working in the world, it follows God would have a hand in things too, right?

I just get hung up on phrases like, "God answered our prayers".  Well, okay.  But if God answered your prayer and healed your sister/brother/mother, how come he didn't answer my prayer and heal my aunt or allow me to conceive?  Is that God withholding his blessing from me?  Or is it Satan winning a skirmish in this epic spiritual battle?  How can I hold in tension the idea of a God who wants only good things for me, and a God who allows death and broken relationships?  I suppose partly it's the idea of Christ's victory, "already but not yet".  We live in a strange middle place where we know God has power, and is working for His purposes, but His ultimate purpose hasn't yet been fulfilled and so brokenness still exists in the world.

I am really rambling here.

All this to say that although I struggle with how exactly to phrase it so as not to alienate people who feel as awkward as I do with Christianese, I see God at work in the world.

And I see his handiwork in my womb.

And I rejoice each time I feel this child stretch, or get the hiccups, or jump on my bladder.  Not just because I love the baby, but because I know this baby is an answer to prayer and not just a coincidence or an accident or even simply/scientifically because an egg and a sperm met.  This baby is with us because of the work of the Holy Spirit.   Thanks be to God.